“Stagnation is self-abdication.” — Ryan Talbot

November came and went and I don't feel any different.  Signs still pointing down. But I chose this direction, right?  Even Sarah chose down ("She chose dowwwwnnn?!?") in the Labyrinth. So I mean my oubliette full of self loathing will eventually provide a door, I'm just not working hard enough to find MY unique door. I can see it there, in the rubble that is my life and I know with the right amount of elbow grease I can firmly attach it and get on with whatever it is I'm doing here in this pit. 

Meanwhile I went home last weekend for my great grandma's funeral. It was weird, the apprehension I had to seeing some family members that I recently unfriended on facebook melted away upon arrival and seeing my mom. My aunt, actually noticing my weight loss, called me skinny. Which, not really a topic I like discussing but wearing heels makes you stand up straight and when your family peaks at 5'9" they notice when you're like 6 ft tall and have to comment. I'm glad I dressed nice and not frumpy for once. T and I looked great, like we were actually from a city, and not some podunk little town. Which is how I feel anytime I'm home. I'm reminded how small town I am. I brought my camera anyway because I still don't travel anywhere without it. My albatross, literally around my neck.  The service was really nicely pulled together considering nobody wanted to plan anything but my mom. She did a fantastic job. I saw myself in her quite a bit over the weekend. She never stops fretting over other people, even when shes's sick as shit. She gets shit done.  That how her grandma, my great grandma was, too. And I took a little part of that away with me. 

I want to be great.

I woke early enough on Saturday to get some frosty images from around the yard. One of my favorite things to do is wake early enough to get baked on the front porch by myself and sit there and listen to all the familiar sounds of East Port Orchard life, which typically this time of year is a chainsaw in the distance from Ashby's and possibly the cry of a coyote with his kin. And lots of birds.  I got a few shots, because being stoned and bumbling around my parent's yard is my personal favorite form of therapy.

Other than visiting home, my life has been really uneventful. I stalk facebook to keep tabs on my friends and see what events I'm missing. Within my stalking I'm  proud of my bests, for growing as adults... One in AA and another has her own home, another doing her best to find her place in the working world, and others I'm sure are still thriving as best they can, I see you, and  I'm very proud of all of you. I'm around, somewhere... Floating in the ether.

Today I start the second phase of my hiatus, where I'm only going to post to IG and here. I'll still peek at Twitter, and maybe FB... But honestly it's all so very loud, just a lot of noise.  I need to incubate for a little bit and see what hatches come, later... 

Until then. 

Brenda VaughnComment